The Autobiography of an Angry Idiot
The Autobiography of an Angry Idiot
To be of use to the seeker …..even one.
I am 31 now. Sometimes it seems ridiculous for a thing to live that long. Sometimes it seems a thousand years will not be enough….
My spiritual quest started young. Thank God for having a Mom with masters in Philosophy. Bhakti , the path of devotion…it stuck a chord when I was young. Once I had to leave town to stay and study in a far away place and before leaving I decided to get by heart a work on Lord Shiva. But I couldn’t and was sad. After the first few days , in the new place , there I was in the temple of Shiva. I was standing in front of a statue of his, and an old man, another visitor, who was already sitting behind the statue at some distance, started to recite the very sloka. Loudly , so loudly that every one for a kilometre could hear it. I was pulverised.
Such experiences numbered a plenty and I used to draw faith from them. It all changed when I got married and my wife gave birth to a son . When he was born, I thus had to take leave , from job, and stayed at a place where I could take him immediately to the doctors , there being an emergency with the baby.The brat now is 2 and half and is doing fine. This , though,lasted for some 6 months , and in that period I read the works of two people , which made a huge impact. Ramana and Nisarga…
When I said it all changed , I did not mean I gave up faith but after reading Ramana and Nisarga ….two things happened…. I started to turn “inward” and at the same time , in my heart understood in “me” or the “I” was where to find the “God”.
But in any case, I felt that it was important and really mattered that I understood myself first before I could understand what was happening , so on and so forth.
3 things happened at the beginning:
1. I can see my hand , I can see everything “else” , what ever I see is of me but how do I see “me” as such?…I grappled with this question. Very very very child like, and may be like an idiot…. but what could I do…that was what, how I was. And I saw myself for the first time , “inside” in my face…right where the eyes , nose and the mouth are. That is where the ego?/person is located...May be because of the primary sense organs being there. I do not know , why, anyway...That is where(inside) a person can see himself as a person…(Ram , shyam , Roberts, Burt, Peter….Bob….Li..). It is like from here that the person functions.
2. And while this happened , it one day dawned on me That " that I was a person" was a concept I absolutely believed in , never ever questioning. IN other words I think myself to be a person , while person had no real substantiality except the “keeping up of a person”. I laughed a lot. It was like four playing cards coming together to form a shape between them.4 cards coming from different directions , touch each other and form a shape...a square etc.... is the square /shape really is? or not? I laughed merrily.
3. And then I fell into the center of my chest. If “person” , and what I see, what I hear , what I felt , thought etc etc was consciousness, what I could perceive in the center of my chest was the root of that consciousness, like an awareness supporting and giving a meaning to that consciousness….the famous I AM of nisarga.
That is why...???... where do people point to , most times when they say “I”? Bang…in the middle of their chest .They put their hand there , and say “I”. They point their finger there and say..”I felt hurt” , It was me!?.. who did it???, “what!? are you talking about me…? Etc etc. However when they put their hand (entire palm) things generally get emotional…”I love You” you are my love etc etc etc …every person knows, that is where his root….the presence is…..anyone can feel this presence I AM…feelt as a root to the “person”! his self! Plenty useful pointers run in Nisargas work , I only added the exact “spot” where you can tap into it.
What one feels in the face( ego…?) , is like being at office, what a person feels there in the middle of the chest(ego…?) , is like being at home..native place..
After these 3 , I stood in the I AM for almost a year. Let me try tell you how it feels…
In the beginning the centre of my chest used to literally burn when I ever felt I AM.
even inside a blade of grass i could "understand" this sense of being.
But one thing allways troubled me , why or how do I feel this I am? Is even I am , this root feeling also fabricated and not original?
How can it be?….I not only see this I AM in me but I see the same thing in every human being….its like every human being wakes up only when I am is activated!
As things progressed , I started to read a lot . In Gigantic proportions. Clarity grew. From Zen to the upanishads , to back to ramana and nisarga and wei wu wei(Torrence Gray)...I kept gobbling up works.
Then I thought , that this "I am" was the knot of the heart , that scholars explained.
That feeling the presence of I AM , only , in my body was the knot and enlightenment was feeling I AM , without any effort, any and every where. May be that would give a different quality to I AM! Making it the true oneness without any effort.
That too happened , however without too much effort, ...and Let me try tell you how it feels…when this happens...
When I saw an ant crawling on a table …I felt it was crawling deeply in me.
It was like lamp posts and trees grew out of me….
movements I saw in life , it was like something/someone was putting a finger deep inside and circling it .....
the same with sounds.....
IT was simply like I WAS AWAKE IN DEEP SLEEP!
That should have been the end of the story. But it wasnt! something happened.I do not know why ?, and how it happened ….it just happened. I am really sorry I cannot tell you or analyse how it happened because I myself do not know how it happened…..even explaining it is very difficult .,… I will try and explain it in terms of I WAS AWAKE IN DEEP SLEEP!
It was a very simple and ground to thing that happened. I realised , that I was living in fear.
In other words enlightenment was not in finding, what was at the end, or what is now or what was then….but enlightenment was an effort to cope up ..with what ever is at the end , what ever is now and what ever that has happened…
In other words I understood , what ever I went through was an "effort" to cope up with “fear “ in life!
It just happened. I did not require any effort to do it. I still do not know how I could do it.
I could simply see the only "bond"! rest even simply happened...
It was that...., “BEING AWAKE IN DEEP SLEEP” was not a state of being to be achieved …but it was a way of living…fearless….
So enlightenment(if there is such a thing as that) is not about finding what is , was , will be etc etc but would be the ability in dealing with what ever is , was and will be…
That is what living is . If that is , everything is and there is no inadequacy, even enlightenment would pale before it…
Such a thing is what really really unites all men and living things.
And all fear , not just of “what is the truth” “Death” etc etc etc but even fear for small and more daily issues left me….
However I again state it is not something which is very great , “state” or something….It is something which is very simple, very basic to every one….. to take things head on….very simple…
How it is upon being fearless, I will not pen it down…but its good alright...
But let me tell you , even now I look into the skies and sometimes , though unwillingly , accept that there is such a thing as grace! Because whatever happened to me was graceful....whose grace..,what grace..I do not know, but graceful.
That is why I keep coming(and will keep coming) and try and spread this word……two things..
1. There is only one bondage….it is “fear”
2. And to be fearless is the basic nature of every human being
This is the word I spread, That is why I refuse every authority than this basic nature….That is why I keep telling people , ones daily life(or taking things head on...small things ,great things.....) if lived fearlessly equals a daily life of thousand enlightened buddhas….( is enlightenment)
and every seeking....let it be clouded by theories of enlightenment and what not is a seeking to be free of fear and nothing else.
enlightenment/liberation / etc .... is simply taking things head on…..I a not saying you bash them up...(you should if it is required....thats a different thing..ha)is simply taking things head on....having no fear of the past, present and the future...no matter what....